777 DAYS WITHOUT HIM

I don’t know if it was wishful thinking or a secret prayer that today something earth shattering would happen in this Michael Jackson story.  777 is the number that is synonymous with Michael; his favorite number.  It’s turned out to be just another ordinary day to most peole.  However, for me, it is a turning point.  One that I have dreaded since June 25, 2009.  It’s a day when I did not cry when I litened to Gone Too Soon.  I didn’t cry and that makes me sad.  That song has always brought a tear to my eye, that would slowly descend down my face.  And today, my tears did not come.  It scares me.  I don’t want to lose Michael in my heart.  But I fear, and this is my greatest fear, that Michael will fade away from me.

I don’t know if this is how other people feel, but for me, it is sad.  I have started sleeping at night again.  I have stopped listening to his music 24/7.  I have begin to pick back up the pieces of my life… and they are beginning to fit in the right places.  There was a time when none of them fit.  My mind and my heart was so broken, in such disarray, that I thought I would never get back to normal again.  But I feel it coming.  And to me, it is not eing met with any happiness or joy.

I feel like I’m cheating him, turning my back on him, when I don’t break into a million pieces at just the mention of his name.  But I don’t do it anymore.  At times I feel deja vue, but most times I am able to get through it and go on to being the old me.  I am afraid.  I don’t want to lose Michael Jackson.  I don’t want to be free.  Why is he freeing me?  I don’t understand.

777 days and nights of sadness is not enough.  I want 777 more, and 777 again.  But it seems God is healing what he sees as my wounded spirit and giving me a new beginning.  Am I being ungrateful because I don’t want it?  I don’t know what I will do with my life, my time.  I have filled every corner of my life with Michael since 6/25/2009.  He has been my focus and my every thought has been of or about him.  What will I do?

There s a quote that has always been a favorite of mine, today it says what I feel about Michael Jackson’s abrupt departure from this earth:

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, 

But I have promises to keep, 

And miles to go before I sleep, 

And miles to go before I sleep.”

Dear Michael, I will always love you more.  When all is said and done, I will ALWAYS LOVE you MORE.