Dear God...

I come to you with a heavy heart on this day.  My soul is searching.  I ask you dear Father, what is the meaning, the lesson to be learned in losing Michael Jackson so soon?  What is the message?  To love each other as we love ourselves?  To be kind?  To be true to thine self?  Did we really have to sacrifice Michael in order for those things to take shape?  I do not fully understand and it has crippled me from the day he went away.  If the message is to be true to thine self, then that I must do.  In so doing, I must admit that I was living my life for the better part of the last 10 years doing me.  I was in my own selfish world, listening to hip hop music, going to concerts, enjoying everything around me as if I were entitled to do so; and hardly ever did I think about what might have become the plight of Michael Jackson.  I had all but put him on the back burner of my life and moved on with only an occasional glance back towards the one who had given me so much joy in my life. Only when I would hear his soft voice, a song would come on my radio, see his lovely smile and castch those smooth moves on a video, did I drift back into the old familiar.  And no sooner than the melancholy wore off, as soon as it was over, I was gone back to my own selfish life, putting him away again.  However, that old magic was returning when I heard he was going to perform again.  I was high on the thought of it.  Still, I selfishly thought, later.  When he decides to come back to my hometown, then I’ll get excited.  No need to rush.  Little did I know.  Too late the hero,

If to thine own self be true, I am being as truthful today as I can be.  I realize that unconsciously and unequivocally I did turn away from him.  Not intentionally, but I did.  How doesn’t even matter now.  That i did is what haunts me everyday of my life now.  And it makes me wonder, if I could do that, probably so could have many others.  Did we leave Michael when he needed us most?  Did I?  You don’t need to answer that question, Father,  I can do it myself.  Yes. I did and I am paying dearly for it with every breath I take, with every heartbeat, with every tear that constantly falls from my eyes.   I promised that I would be there.  I promised.  My words exactly, that only you, Father, could keep me from it.  Ad somehow, I turned away and allowed Michael to slip out of this life alone.  And everyday since, I have suffered for it.

There is not a day that goes by, not a night, that I don’t find myself lost in thoughts of him, wondering how alone he must have felt.  I wonder did he cry.  I wonder was he in pain.  I wonder did he feel destitute and alienated from all the people he sacrificed his very life for.  I wonder what were his last thoughts, his last gathering of thoughts about the world and the people in it that he gave up everything for.  I wonder.

I have learned one thing profoundly in the wake of Michael’s plight, to love those who are important to me everyday as much or more than the day before.  I have learned to see the beauty in the mundane.  I have learned that precious moments are really precious moments and that they should not be taken for granted or wasted on frivolities.  Things pass, moods change, life goes on until, but when it is over it’s too late to go back and change things.  It’s to late to say, I wish I had loved you more.  To late to make amends.  You never have to say you’re sorry, you never have to wish to have known when you are in tune with those around you. You never have to say I didn’t know.  If you are there emotionally and unconditionally, you just do.  I failed the test.

To Michael I say, I am sorry.  I wish I had never let go of your hand so that I could have felt the push and pull of your heart.  I lost you. You’re gone forever. I’ll never have the chance to see that smile again that I remember so well though it greets me every time I close my eyes.

You had so much of so many things, but not enough of what matters most, love returned, love shared, love, love, love.  You went away and I am forever speechless.  I cannot believe that 50 short years would be all the time allotted you for your magic to permeate the world, the planet, the universe.  Your love is magical, that’s how I feel.  It should have… you should have lived long beyond those 50 years.  You were positive vibrational energy.  You were the light of the world.  Void of you, nothing else seems to matter anymore.

I pray that one day, Michael will forgive us.  Who am I fooling, he already did.  He knew that we were weak, imperfect human beings.  He was an Angel.  He knew and he forgave.  Blessed is the pure at heart.  Just help me to forgive myself.  That’s the hard part.  You were ours.  You were never selfish.  You proved that countless times.  You never let us part.  You never turned away.  I can hear the words of your song playing clearly in my head, in my heart “don’t walk away”.  The song I can barely stand to listen to without your earthly presence.

So dear Michael, dear God, thank you for allowing me to keep him alive, if only in my heart.  I will never forget you, I will never forget love, ever again.

Thank you for the memories.  thank you for the love.  Thank you for always, always, always loving us more.

Because of you, I am changed forever.

Amen
God bless you