I still cannot feel it… is it because I still don’t believe it?

It has been almost 2 years now and I still don’t feel like Michael is really gone.  I know in my head that he is no longer present with us; but something in my heart will not let go.  What is wrong with me?  I fall to sleep some nights and cannot rest.  It’s as if something is tugging at me, nudging me.  It won’t allow me peace.  I get up and am immediately drawn to anything Michael (of which there is quite a lot to choose from).  I have to see him, hear him; a picture, a song, a video, anything so long as it is Michael.  Nothing else will calm me.  Nothing else can calm me.  It’s as though he’s saying to me, not yet.  You cannot go to sleep without a little bit of me in your head as is always in your heart.

Sometimes it makes me sad and I cry myself to sleep with him being the last thing on my wakeful mind.  So my dreams are filled with his eyes.  Other times it makes me happy, and I dance and sing with him until near daybreak (Break of Dawn) until I am so exhausted I literally fall into his arms of blissful contentment.

I guess the only way to describe it is that Michael Jackson is so much a part of me, that at times, I feel he is still here.  He never left me and he never will.  I pray there will never be a day in my life when I can simply close my eyes and his are not there anymore.  Should that ever happen I fear will be the death of me.  I live through my every thought of him.  I will die should my thoughts ever become devoid of him.  I know it. I will.  He is the light of my life.  Thoughts of him allows my world to continue to go around.  It seems he keeps me sane in times of complete insanity.  He makes me strong, when people try with words to hurt me.  I always think of what he endured and know that words are just that, and I smile knowing that I can take it because Michael did.  He took so much more, who then am I to let it get me down?  I think of him and I stand tall.  It’s all for you Michael.  It’s all for love.

So maybe I still cannot feel it because in my world, he never died.  He simply went away to a place with noname where I can always see him when I need him.  Be it every minute or just before I lay me down.  He is always here, ever present, and his eyes are smiling.  They are beautiful